As a woman, I think my pride is too high. As a person, I think my idealism is too unrealistic. These days I wondered whether I’m a useless person, whether I’m unworthy to make other people really need me? My close friends usually console me by saying that I’m doing better than them, that they impressed by what I’m doing. But that’s not make me feel relieved, nor make me feel proud. Because I know they better than me in the way that I’m struggling to overcome right now.
Even if I’m existed, can I do what I want to give to others? Can people really need me? Or I’m just easy to replace by the others? If some people just need to try 10 times, I need to try 100 times, even more. Is there anything wrong with the way I did that? I’m not trying hard enough, is it? Sometimes I think that my hard work is not really worthy for other people. They looked me down. No, may be my judged about them that put me down. I’m not tired, I’m just not ready to look far for the future. I’m not ready to calculate the possibilities that waiting for me. So I just live my life unplanned.
People know me as a cheerful person, eventhough I looked like a quite and calm one. What I write, what I think, are not reflecting my personalities, hehe. But deeply from my heart, I want people -who close to me- to accept me a whole package. That I can be miserable sometimes and the other days can make their mood up and boost their energy. Someone who sometimes has the unfamiliar thought and at the same time can tolerate herself for being accepted by the society.