Menempatkan Diri

Saya punya banyak teman, namun hanya sedikit dari mereka yang seringkali kami berbagi pikiran dan pandangan about our true self. Karena berbagi itu membutuhkan trust, mutual interest, dan click hehe. I put their name in my heart, whenever I feel down or even so happy, I remember them. That’s how far I trust them.

Huma, Uly, Fatia. Banyak di luar mereka yang juga sangat saya percaya untuk berbagi pandangan, seperti Siska, Asty, mba Endah dan Tsansan, tapi seringkali saya tidak akan mengganggu mereka yang sudah berumah tangga hehe, karena mereka sangat-sangat sibuk, jadi saya melihat mereka sebagai figur yang saya sangat kagumi.

You know, to trust people is precious. They are precious.

Mereka yang mengenal saya dengan baik akan berpendapat sama, “Zae ngga berpikir seperti kebanyakan orang” mungkin maksudnya aneh hehe.

Hari ini sejujurnya saya sedih. Karena tiba-tiba saya jadi bahan bully-an atas keputusan yang sangat saya syukuri di masa lampau, yang bagi banyak orang adalah keputusan sangat bodoh. It’s feel like I was betrayed. Seperti seolah-olah saya tidak bersyukur, saya lemah mental, saya banyak mau, dsb. It’s hurt, not when he said it, but when I remember it. And I know, people can be so dangerous to our self.

Ada hal-hal yang saya selalu katakan pada diri saya, agar saya tidak melakukannya kepada orang lain, siapapun dia:

• Memberi nasihat tanpa diminta.
• Mengomentari keputusan hidup orang lain. We don’t live their life, nor we don’t responsible about their decision, we don’t know any tiny detail about them. So don’t act like you have rights to judge that their act was wrong.
• Mendengarkan hal privat yang bukan dalam teritori kita. Saya paling tidak suka untuk mendengar masalah rumah tangga orang lain (terlebih jika itu hal negarif yang akan menggiring pada opini negatif akan figur orang tsb), karena hal itu harus menjadi rahasia dalam keluarga tsb. Karenanya saya tidak suka dicurhati hal-hal yang menurut saya itu bukan hak saya untuk tahu. So I will try any way to avoid them.

When I realize I have some really good friends that I’m really trust, I fell like I’m so blessed, dan sangat bersyukur karena Allah menghadirkan mereka dan memperkenalkanku dengan mereka. I have some trust issue, but they make me believe that “If you met the right people, you can trust people again”

Terima kasih Allah, sayang sekali 🙂

*Nggapapa nggapapa, lain kali hindari mereka saja ya, diamkan saja kalau mereka kembali mengusikmu. It was showing their value and their true colors, not yours 🙂

What are Love and Care About

I often shared about Palestine’s condition through my IG’s story, not only that, I also shared about Turkiye-Syria’s earthquake situations, Muslim’s persecution around the world, any miserable and hurtful situations.

Saya sangat peduli dengan Palestine, the name where I hope I could see their freedom in my life time. Saya terbangun dari mimpi saat SMA, ketika sebelumnya saya menyaksikan berita mereka melalui televisi. Mimpi yang samar-samar masih saya ingat sampai saat ini. Ketika itu saya menonton seorang anak yang menceritakan bahwa ia melarang ayahnya untuk keluar rumah dan menemui kesatuan militer Zionist, namun sang ayah mengatakan tidak apa-apa dan melarang anaknya untuk keluar apapun yang terjadi. Dan kisah itu berakhir dengan sang ayah ditembak mati tepat ketika ia keluar rumahnya. Kejadian itu menghantui jiwa sang anak dan tidak akan pernah ia lupakan seumur hidupnya, trauma dan rasa sakit yang dirasakan jutaan Palestinian yang kehilangan keluarga, kerabatnya, tanahnya, rumahnya, hartanya, pekerjaannya, kemerdekaannya, rasa amannya… Mereka yang kehilangan semua itu tanpa punya power untuk melawan atau menuntut keadilan. Mereka dibunuh, disiksa, dipenjara, hanya karena alasan bahwa mereka adalah seorang Palestinian. Dan saat itu saya bermimpi bahwa saya terpisah dengan kedua orang tua dan saudara-saudari saya karena kami dalam situasi yang sama. Saya terbangun dan menangis, ketakutan, dan lega pada saat yang bersamaan.

Saya punya rasa iba dan mungkin super sensitive personality about emphaty towards other people. I can’t imagine how this world holds millions of people’s hurtful and miserable situations that are hard to accept. Sangat-sangat banyak orang yang hidup dengan cara dan situasi yang tidak dapat dibayangkan, sangat menyakitkan dan menyedihkan. Ketika kamu memiliki udara bersih untuk dihirup, air bersih untuk dimanfaatkan, listrik memadai, internet, hunian untuk bernaung, kemerdekaan, hak berdaulat… sedang banyak yang justru tidak bisa memilikinya dan dianggap privilege untuk memiliki semua itu. Ketika nyawa, keamanan, harta benda yang kamu usahakan bisa kapanpun direnggut tanpa bisa kamu melawan, tidak berdaya.

Saya pernah berpikir bahwa “Kamu harus selesai dengan diri sendiri sebelum kamu peduli/membantu orang lain.” And I was questioning my self, what the definition of “enough with your ownselves?”, and I answered “It’s never been enough.” Ketika kita selalu fokus pada diri sendiri dan merasa bahwa dunia hanya berputar untuk diri kita sendiri, disana saya merasa sangat bersalah. “That’s not the reason I have this life” I told my self. Saya tidak akan pernah selesai dengan diri saya sendiri. Banyak hal di luar sana yang jauh lebih besar untuk diselesaikan. Mungkin tindakan yang pernah saya atau kalian lakukan, sebesar papun itu, memberikan dampak, signifikan atau tidak bukan tugas orang biasa seperti saya yang pantas menentukan. But what I did for them is the most matter. Entah kita berdonasi, mendoakan, membagikan informasi, or just talk about their conditions, it’s matter, it’s significant.

It’s not about whether they need us or not, It’s a matter of what we did for them that left in ourselves, our hearts, our humanity, our solidarity, and our care. Any good deeds are essential. I can’t let myself as an ignorant person, I don’t want to be a person who only think about herself. It’s cruel.

You know that’s not unloved which is the contrary of love, that’s uncared.

Ok

I think people would feel alive when they find something they want to do in life, that something could be ‘someone’ or ‘things.’ I don’t know about the someone, I just hope he lives his life fully. I wonder if I ever met my someone, my true half, and my soulmate. If I can’t find him, it’s ok. Everything Allah has planned for me, it’s ok.

About the things… I only have one thing I know I want to try. It will be good to have this kind of opportunity. That is working in UNDP. I’ve been trying 3 or 4 times. And I’ve joined twice selections, 2 times writing tests, one-time referee assessment, and two times Competency Behavioral Interview. I told myself, I have given my all in my last selection, and if I didn’t get selected, I won’t try again. Since I know I just repeat what I’ve done and it can’t be any better. I used to turn on notifications of their post on Instagram.

And now I decided to turn it off. I have the braveness to try, to open my own opportunity. And now I decided to be brave to say that’s enough, I give up, it’s not meant for me.

I used to cry a lot when I was child, and I’ve tried to don’t cry, to hold it. And the result is, it makes you more sad and hurt deeper. I don’t drop any tears, just my heart-my chest and my throat- getting hurt.

It’s ok, I can handle it.

It’s ok, it’s ok.

I hope I could fine happiness I’ve imagined, even though I’m stuck in the same place for a long time. It’s sad, It’s hurt. But it’s ok. Millions of people hurt even more, million times, than I am. There is no such thing that you can’t be more grateful for. Just be grateful.

Yuhu

Humans are so limited, don’t you think?
Even though I tried my best to help others, other people don’t look at it in the same way.

I feel tired. I don’t want to cry, but I can’t help it.
And when it happened, I just tell my own self, “You’re enough. It’s ok. I’m fine, I’m fine.”

I really wanna go to a place where I am accepted, welcomed, and respected. It’s hard.

…

Ah, it’s fine. I just need to watch funny videos in TikTok, football match in Vidio, or watch my fav vlogger in Youtube, and it will be alright.

Hope for This Year

I never make any resolutions and don’t make daily planning. I’m just trying to live as better and happily as possible, even though it’s hard.

This year, I just hope I can do what I love to do. If there is a chance and it’s meant for me, I really hope to work in what I wish for. I admire working in UNDP or any related sustainable development planning/policies. More importantly, I want to work where I can be respected for what I’ve done, get sincere thanks from my teammates and colleagues, and be appreciated fairly for my competencies so then I also can develop my expertise and income benefit.

I personally don’t save any (just one or two) contacts of my teammates or colleagues, because I feel better doing that and have less anxiety.

I really hope to work passionately. Honestly, I prefer to be a housewife if I’m married someday. But, if my financial condition requires me to work, then I want to work remotely or hybrid (at least not fully on-site).

These days, I took online learning courses. There are three ongoing courses I do now:

• UCL (University College London): Achieving Transitions to Zero Carbon Emissions and Sustainable Urban Mobility
• UN Habitat: New Urban Agenda
• Ashoka: DEI (Diversity, Equity, Inclusion) Learning Journey

I took these courses outside of working times, and it’s really pleasant activities, I really enjoy them. I hope I can get the same level of excitement in my work, the way I have when I took those courses. I just believe that it will bring a positive development impact, not only for your work but also for yourself.

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I hope your 2023 is full of gratitude and happy moments and that could be a better version of yourself and your surroundings, aamiin.

Good night,
ZN

Red Flag Type of Person?

Setiap orang memiliki hal yang tidak mereka sukai terhadap orang lain, some people are giving some red flags to some kind/type of person, while others still can tolerate it. I can say that I’m a social introvert, I can make friends effortlessly but at the same time, I also feel awkward in communal or to do chit-chat, which I don’t like it. So in many situations, I prefer to distance myself from some kind of people with whom I think I’m not sharing the same frequencies. Other reasons are because they’re not the person whom I can get along with or I don’t like them.

To be honest I’m not a person who wants to know about private matters of others unless they talk about it first. And I don’t like it if the conversations we have are too much without boundaries, I will respect it if you don’t tell what you shouldn’t tell, since I will do the same, no matter how close we are. So I can tell that the first type of person I don’t like is orang yang kepo. I won’t ask about something that I believe it’s uncomfortable for other people to answer and I don’t have the right to ask about it as well, especially private matters like family, career (if they think so), and so on. Maybe that’s the reason why I don’t really watch people’s statuses on social media. I don’t care much about it. I more care about what they are thinking about, their opinions, their self-conditions, and anything that seems often/uneasy to be portrayed in your status.

The other thing I don’t really like is self-centered people. To be honest I won’t even try to get close to them. I don’t like narcissistic people hehe, it’s a No-No for me. More than that, I don’t like people who care less about other people’s hardships.

The third one is who judges easily and is more aware of social class/status. More talking than reading or observing. And believe that only their opinion is important, not respect for others.

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By the way, I don’t know why I write about this after this time hehe. Hope you don’t mind.

XX,
ZN